life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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