my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
