hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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