Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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