I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
