Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
