Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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