I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
