Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
