just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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