To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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