I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
