Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
