remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
