I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
