I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
