i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Where did you get a picture of my penis
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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