I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
