I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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