Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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