when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
