there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
