You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I woke up under a house in Key West
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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