wanna go halves on a baby?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
