the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
