did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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