I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
