I faked an abortion last night.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
