Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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