I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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