What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
