Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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