I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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