The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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