I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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