Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
