Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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