this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
