somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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