he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
