accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
