I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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