Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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