i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
