Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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