So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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