Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
