If that was your dad, he is hot
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
