She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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