and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
